Goodbye
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Yanagi discovered something when he was young that he just wants to forget...but it haunts his dreams at night. [yanakiri, yanainui]


A/N: Beware the soap-opera-ishness that is this fic! Thanks very much to ladyreadwolf, (andreareadwolf ) who gave me the piece of fic she had started. I messed around with it a little, and finished it off, and lo and behold! I have InuixYanagi which is not crack! ...it's just sap. oops.

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Goodbye

  
  
Yanagi Renji was not very skilled at lying. His entire life was structured around facts and truths and ever-increasing data.  
That was one of the reasons he was annoyed with himself, because as he asked himself yet again what his purpose was for going to Tokyo -- his only answer was "I don't know." The more he tried to analyze his actions, the less he understood, and the more frustrated he became.  
Perhaps he needed to push aside thoughts of his reasons for coming to Tokyo and try to focus on what he would do once he arrived.  
His mind was perfectly blank.

It was time for him to start thinking about everything in a different way.Yanagi took a deep breath, cleared his mind, and began at the beginning.

A younger Yanagi Renji was one hundred percent sure of everything. When he played tennis with Sadaharu, he knew that they would always play tennis together -- and that one day, tennis wasn't all they would play at.

Leaving Sadaharu behind had never entered into his calculations, not until one sunny afternoon when his parents had so casually informed him -- "We're leaving, Renji," and his world had been torn apart.

That was the afternoon that Yanagi had discovered that he really didn't know everything, and that the future was as an uncertain and unpredictable thing; like a black hole that draws everything into it, even the things that desperately do not want to be drawn.

Yanagi did not say goodbye because he did not want it to be true. When he was all alone in a new place, he realized that there was no waking up from this nightmare.

He was a bitter little boy who had been robbed of the future that he had so looked forward to. He would never feel that fleeting thing that was so hard for people to find -- a thing that he had thought he'd already found.

__

"Do you ever think about the future, Renji?"  
"I have the future mapped out, Sadaharu."

"Things can change --"

"Not these things."

Yanagi made new friends. He was a human being, and therefore he had strong powers of adaptation -- that did not mean that he forgot Sadaharu.

Yanagi found himself developing feelings for someone else that might turn into what he always thought he'd have for Sadaharu -- but even when his first kiss was with Akaya instead of his dearest friend, he did not forget.

Whenever he ran his fingers through soft, curly hair, and whispered things in Akaya's ear -- he remembered.

And he wondered, what would it have been like, if the future had gone according to plan?

When Akaya asked for more, Yanagi knew that he had nothing more to give. They were thinking two completely different thoughts -- but it was when Akaya lured him to bed with a devilish grin and an impatient whine, and they kissed and touched and felt with a fervor that nearly drove him mad that Yanagi realized this wasn't what he wanted.

In fact, he'd known that all along, but he hadn't realized it like this; it hadn't hit him full force. Now, it left an ache that refused to go away.

He'd known all along what he really wanted, but his future hadn't gone according to plan.

It was on a dark and stormy night that Yanagi had his first nightmare about dying alone even while surrounded by people. A nightmare that ended when he sat up in his bed, covered in sweat, and then spent the rest of the night listening to the rain pounding on the roof.

There were many nights when he lay awake so that the nightmare would not come again.

On some of those nights, he thought he could hear a voice in his ear, telling him all the secrets of the world; but it turned out that it was just the wind rustling in the trees outside.

Still, maybe the trees knew a thing or two -- they had seen much of humanity's cruelty, after all.

__

"Yanagi-sempai, you've been staring at that same spot on the wall for half an hour."

"I'm sorry, Akaya, were you trying to say something?"

"No, I was just watching you. What were you looking at?"

"I was just lost in a memory."

What kind of memory?

"I can't remember."

"That's not funny!"

"It wasn't meant to be."

"You're weird sometimes."

"No, I'm weird all the time. Isn't that why you love me, Akaya?"

"Ah -- what -- I --"

"Don't answer the question if it makes you that uncomfortable."

"Don't tease me like that, Yanagi-sempai."

"I'll try not to in the future."

Yanagi remembered, but he started to try and forget. It was hardly fair to Akaya that he thought of someone else, always -- hardly fair to Akaya that he had nothing more to give.

It almost worked. He almost pushed away that feeling he'd had completely; almost forgot what it meant to know for certain what the future held, and then lose sight of it completely --

And then he faced Sadaharu in a tennis match. He could not see Akaya's face; could not stroke his hair, or kiss him, or touch him -- all he could see was Sadaharu. He wanted to win, and defeat this ghost of his past --

But Sadaharu had not changed very much, and Yanagi remembered all in one moment just why he'd wanted his future a certain way, and he realized once again that he would never be able to give Akaya anything.

All humans possessed strong powers of adaptation -- however, humans also possessed complicated things called emotions that were impossible to predict, and impossible to analyze, and impossible to live with, sometimes.

Sadaharu seemed to have moved on; didn't even blame Yanagi for never saying goodbye, or for not keeping in touch.

Yanagi wondered what would have happened if he had kept in touch -- would his future have worked out, or would it have ended up even more painful than it was now?

Was there anything more painful than the tearing of his heart he felt now?

__

"Akaya..."

"You want to break up, right?"

"How did you know?"

"You've been acting weirder than usual the past few days. It's that guy you played against, right? The scary one with the glasses?"

"Sadaharu is an old friend of mine."

"So you've been thinking of him all this time, is that it? Then why the hell were you with me in the first place?"

"Because I love you, Akaya. I just don't love you the right way."

"You could have told me that sooner."

"I didn't know."

"Yes you did. You never got over him, right?"

"I'm sorry, Akaya."

"Yeah, you should be."

"I hope that you don't hate me --"

"I'm so pissed off that I wish I could hate you, but I really don't."

"I'm sorry."

"You said that already. Now get the hell out of here."

"Goodbye."

And then, one day, Yanagi found himself on a train bound for Tokyo.

He'd known all along why he was here, it just confused him to try and analyze it -- some things couldn't be analyzed, no matter how much he wanted to understand them.

Now -- what would he do when he got there?

Perhaps he should decide that when he arrived. He'd never been very good at spontaneity; he hated uncertainty, and he hated it when there was no reason --

That was why spontaneity made perfect sense, in this case.

He still remembered where Sadaharu lived. He had been there often enough in his childhood; had been spoiled by Sadaharu's parents who loved him like a second son, even while his parents had never paid much attention to him or his best friend.

He stared at the door for a long time. It should have been easy to reach out and let his presence be known, but he still had no idea what he was going to say to whoever answered the door. It all depended on who it was that answered as to what he could come up with, and he wasn't sure if he liked the possibilities.

__

Why did I come here?

He knew the answer very well --

It was Sadaharu who answered the door, and when he saw who stood there waiting, he was very surprised. His facial expressions did not change very much, but Yanagi knew him well, and had always been able to read him. It had been a long time, but Sadaharu had not changed very much, at least not in that respect.

"Renji?"

Yanagi still did not know what to say. Even spontaneity had failed him; what could he do now? Maybe he should just turn around and leave --

"Why don't you come in? You haven't been here in so long, I'm sure my family would be glad to see you. Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Yes," Yanagi replied. "I would like to stay for dinner." He stepped into the house that had only changed very little -- where he had expected to feel like a stranger, but instead felt like he was coming home.

Later, after dinner, Yanagi sat with Sadaharu in his room -- a room where they had spent many afternoons and many evenings, talking about anything and everything, and playing little games that he could still remember vividly.

"Why did you come here tonight, Renji?"

"I don't know." It was the first answer that he could think of -- but it wasn't the truest of answers. He shook his head. "No, I do know. I've known it forever."

"What have you known forever?"

"That this is where I belong." His perfect future had been altered -- but that didn't mean that everything had to change. It didn't mean that he should give up the most important feeling that he had; a feeling that was so hard for people to find. A feeling that he had found long ago.

He should have realized that sooner, because it might be too late now. If Sadaharu did not feel the same, then where would he be?

"When you leave this time, say goodbye," Sadaharu said. "And this time, when you get home, call me."

"I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to say goodbye because I didn't want it to be goodbye, but by doing that I just assured that was what it really was," Yanagi said quietly.

"I could have tried to find you, but I thought that you didn't want to be found."

"That was what I wanted more than anything."

Yanagi's first kiss had been with someone else, but it was this kiss that really meant something to him.

__

"Do you ever think of the past, Renji?"

"I haven't thought of anything else for a long time."

"Things have changed."

"Yes, but not the most important thing. I was right about that, at least, even if nothing happened like I thought it would."

The next day when Yanagi boarded the train that would take him back home, he kissed Sadaharu goodbye.

"I'll call you later," he promised.

"That's right. We aren't worlds apart, you know; a few cities makes no difference for friends like us."

"Yes. Goodbye for now."

"I think the proper term is, 'see you later'."

"I love you."

"I know."

__

"So did it work out, Yanagi-sempai?"

"Yes, it did."

"I'm not pissed off anymore."

"I'm glad."

"So you'll be happy from now on?"

"I certainly hope so."

"Then I'll be happy, too."

Yanagi's nightmares of dying alone stopped haunting him, and he dreamed instead of a world filled with trees that never died, and whispered to him all the secrets of life, in a voice that he could hear perfectly.

He woke most mornings with a smile on his face and a wordless tune playing in his mind; and every night he made a phone call. He never said goodbye; he only said goodnight.

On the weekends, he made trips to Tokyo. When he left, he never said goodbye; he said "See you later."

And he always kept that promise.


End file.
